1 year ago today

This morning I read these words out of a devotional called "Streams in the Desert"

"You can trust the Man who died for you." 

The author said he wanted to completely devote himself to the "Man who died for him".  But he was afraid; afraid to give up his own personal plans and goals.  All he could think of was all he might have to abandon in his life.  He said, "I completely failed to see the better things God had for me, so my soul was running from Him."

I can wholeheartedly relate to this.  So often I find my soul running from God.  I want to trust Him and devote myself completely to him, but I am afraid.  I'm afraid to give up comfortable and easy and what I know.  

Then God speaks to the mans heart and says "My child, you can trust the Man who died for you.  If you cannot trust Him, then whom can you trust?"  And there it is, if I cannot trust Jesus, then who can I trust.  I certainly cannot trust myself.  My emotions and feeling are like a swinging pendulum on the largest grandfather clock.  Back and forth, I want to act on every passing feeling.  And sometimes I do and live to regret it.  

After reading this devotion I was flipping through my journal and I read the entry from one year ago today: 

August 1, 2013

I'm exhausted.  I need freedom.  My faith is in money, not in God.  My happiness, when I'm honest, is based on my bank account.  I can't take it anymore.  My peace is in beer, my rest is in sleep.  It's fake. It's temporary.

My heart ached when I read this.  Just reading it made me feel heavy.  But I also felt hopeful.  It has been 1 year since I wrote that.  And I am not that same girl.  I can see the work God has done over the past year.  I recently graduated from Financial Peace University.  We paid off our visa card 2 days ago.  1 year ago that looked impossible to me.  My faith is not in money; at least not as much as it was last year.  My happiness does not lie there either.  It is nice to have money, but I know it isn't what makes me happy. I'm slowly but surely learning to control money instead of having it control me.  Thank you Jesus!!  

As for beer, well, that one is still a struggle.  I don't think I'm an alcoholic.  But when I'm stressed, say at dinner time or homework time or bedtime, pretty much any time the smaller people in my house get a little bent out of shape, my mind wanders off to wanting a beer.  I know I'm not going to feel good after.  Maybe initially because I enjoy the taste and it does mellow me out, but it usually makes me gassy and bloated in the end.  And it's temporary.  And, it's not Jesus.  

So I'm not finished.  I'm still here typing and breathing and living, so God still has something planned for me.  And he knows I am a stubborn woman, and He loves me anyway which is completely mind-blowing.  I mean, I know me and I don't even love me all the time.  

I'll keep going and trying and trusting more everyday.  Because I can look back and see that He is "working for my good" Ephesian 6:28 and "His grace is sufficient, for His power is made perfect in my weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9.  And His grace and His power and His love trump every mistake.  

Here's to another year!

Life is a mess

Today as I was getting ready for the day my 4 year old daughter made a mess of clothes and blankets in my closet.  I snapped at her and said, "I'm sick and tired of cleaning up messes you make."  She ran out of the closet, feelings hurt.  Immediately I was convicted and heard the Lord say, "How many times have I had to clean up your messes." Truth.

I apologized and asked my daughters forgiveness.  I thought about how life is messy and probably always will be... until the day I die.  Real life does not look like a Potter Barn magazine page.  It's full of activity and movement and mess  and action.  And if it were any other way I'd be bored out of my mind.  

Thank you Jesus for the mess of life and that you are always right there beside me.

Love your neighbor as yourself

Today I heard a woman say that same-sex marriage will destroy the marriage as a whole.  That it will cause the whole institution to deteriorate.

Why doesn't anyone say anything like this about infidelity?  Most of the marriages I've seen end in divorce have had an affair involved at some point.

You can't point the finger at one thing and say, "THAT is what's causing marriage to go downhill."  I don't know if this lady is a Christian, but it seems like whenever I hear about a group opposing same-sex marriage they are affiliated with Christians.

Christians associate themselves with Jesus and this is what Jesus says, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye an pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:3-5

I've never heard a testimony of someone coming to Jesus because someone said, "You're doing it wrong!"  But I've heard many testimonies about people being loved just the way they are and deciding, "I want that too!"

If we want to see change in our culture and strengthen marriages we need to take our cue from Jesus:

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the law and prophets hang on these two commandments." -Matthew 22:37-40

Love.

How do you start the day?

Facebook has the incredible knack of giving me a feeling of failure sometimes.  I blame Facebook, but really it's in my own mind.  I see what people are up to and start to compare myself to them, leaving me feeling inferior and boring.

This is the problem with looking at Facebook first thing in the morning.  Does anyone else struggle with this?  It's a total addiction, second nature.  It's so easy to roll over, unlock my iPod, and click the FB icon.  Instantly I'm connected, but not really connected all at the same time.  And definitely not connected to my real life-giving source.

Now contrast this with waking up and opening up God's Word.  I am instantly connected with truth, with my lifeline.  The only lifeline that really matters.  I read Luke 15:21-24,

"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'  But the Father said to his servants, 'Quick!  Bring the best robe and put it on him.  Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it.  Let's have a feast and celebrate.  For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'  So they began to celebrate."

And not only does this truth meet me in my Bible.  I open my e-mail and my daily devotional from Proverbs 31 has the exact same Words and truth.  And it says, "When you come to Jesus, or when you allow him to walk through the doors of your heart, no pleading or striving is necessary, only faith that his salvation and grace are your gifts.... He is watching, willing, and waiting to receive you."

God is so Awesome and all-knowing.  He knew that Luke 15 was going to be my reading today, and that the very same verse would be waiting in my e-mail.  He knew that I needed that today to combat those feelings of frustration and the mental battle going on inside of me.  

So how do you start the day?  Looking at others or looking at truth? 

Day 1: 5:00 a.m. is really early

It's day 1 of the Summer of 7 stress/prayer challenge.  I'm officially just going to call it the "Prayer Challenge", because that's what I'm focusing on.

I was suppose to get up at 5:00 a.m. and guess what I found out... 5:00 a.m. is VERY early!  And I confess, I hit snooze and slept until 5:39.  It did feel good once I got up to sit and listen and read my Bible and enjoy quiet and sunshine and coffee and Jesus.

I decided that for this week I will pause at 7 specific times each day to pray for 7 specific things.

8:15 a.m. - Kids/Education

10:15 a.m. - Poor and oppressed

12:15 p.m. - The Fatherless

2:15 p.m. - Mothers around the world

4:15 p.m. - My marriage

6:15 p.m. - Church (my local church and the church as a whole)

8:15 p.m. - Outreach Team (A ministry I just joined)


P.S.  I was very glad this morning to put on different clothes and I was most excited to put on some big earrings.  Funny thing,  most of the clothes I'm wearing are clothes from the 7 challenge except my shirt.

A Time for Everything

Listening to hymns this morning and remembering Pastor Buntain.  A life well lived indeed!  As I read various articles about his life yesterday one thing really struck me.  He didn't become the pastor of Life Center in Tacoma until he was 40 years old.  The church burned to the ground 10 years after he became pastor, and he rebuilt the church that I have always called home.  He was 50 then.  For some reason I've always thought when I'm 50 my life will begin winding down.  This doesn't even make sense as I think about it now.  I see the example of all of my parents.  They are FAR from winding down!  But for some reason it's just how I saw things.

This really gave me a change of perspective.  I've been under the mindset of "I need to hurry up and raise my kids so I can start working on my calling... whatever that is.  If I don't start soon it's going to be too late!"  The truth is, I'm in the middle of God's calling right now!  I'm just missing it because I'm comparing myself to other people or I think it should look different.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens"-Ecclesiastes 3:1

I don't have to be in a hurry.  As long as I keep my eyes on Jesus and follow where He leads I won't be late and I won't miss out on any part of my life.  I can enjoy this season of raising my kids without feeling like I'm missing the mark.  This may seem silly but it is such a huge RELIEF to me.

Another reminder I love: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" -Psalm 139:16

I'm cheating

I have a confession to make... I'm cheating on my 7 articles of clothing.  And it's with this necklace.

It may not look special, but it so is!  This necklace was made by African women, out of beads made from old magazines.  A good friend gave to me some years back.  I thought it was cool.  But it wasn't until last week that I realized how amazing it really was.

Last week I finished the book "Kisses from Katie" by Beth Clark and Katie J. Davis.  If you haven't read it, READ IT!!!  In the book she tells the story of some women in Uganda who live in an incredibly poor village.  Many of these women are single mothers.  Desperate to provide for their families, some of them would sneak out after their kids were asleep and prostitute themselves.  One story is told of a woman who would brew alcohol to sell in order to make money.  But if it didn't sell, "she took the mash from which it is made home to her family and they would swallow it until they fell asleep.  She was making her children drunk so they were unable to feel the pains of hunger."

Can you even imagine how painful this must be for these mothers!  So they teach the women how to make these necklaces.  They provide a way out.  A way for these mothers to provide for there families with dignity.  

So yes, technically I'm cheating.  But I live in a place where I often complain about too much laundry, nothing to eat (even though my refrigerator is full and my cupboards are stocked), and feeling overwhelmed by the demands of life.  But really, the demands on my life pale in comparison to the weight these Ugandan women are facing.  

But every time I wash my hands and see myself in the mirror and see the necklace around my neck, I think of these women.  I think about how many women are hurting and needing and living in the most desperate situations.  And I think about how I need to stop thinking about me and start getting my eyes more on Jesus, so I will be more surrendered to Him, and be ready for Him to use me however he wants.