I love Jesus but I drink a little

For about 4 years I've been having this internal battle over drinking alcohol.  I hate even writing that because it sounds so goody two-shoes.  And I am just not that.  But it's real so I'll write on.  I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't crave it, except for maybe around my period or on a particularly stressful day.  I just love the taste of beer.  I like to try new kinds and I love going to breweries would love to even work at one because it just looks fun.

But I feel stuck in this certain place in life.  I don't know how else to describe it other than stuck.  I mean life keeps moving forward but I feel like I'm at a standstill inside.  It was about 4 years ago I heard that Whisper say, "I want you to stop drinking. Period."  I just didn't even want to hear that.  Because beer is tasty and sometimes drinking is fun and sometimes it helps me connect with people.  But I thought I would try it, so I did.  I'd give it up, feel really good, kinda miss it, a stressful day would come or a party where everyone else was drinking.  Then I'd tell myself I was just being legalistic and it's totally fine, or it's good for me to drink with people because we're connecting.

This cycle has pretty much been going on for 4 years.  It's lame and I hate it.  I don't think drinking alcohol is wrong, but disobeying is.  I know I've heard clearly from God to not drink.  That might sound weird, but whatever.  It's true for me.  I've heard him say it in more ways than one.  A whisper, my Bible, dreams.

The interesting thing is when I happen to mention this business to friends many times they'll say they've been thinking or feeling similar.  Which makes me feel better, not because I'm glad they're going through this.  I'm just glad to know I'm not alone.  

I really do want to obey and I really do want to move on from this standstill.  I don't know what I'm moving on to, but I really want to move.  Because going in circles is maddening.  The question is, am I willing to give up the temporary pleasure for the longterm victory/freedom/blessing?

God has a sense of humor

Yesterday my kids went back to school after a week long break.  When I went to pick them up I asked one of them how the day was.  They said, "not good".  Then proceeded to tell me about getting in trouble at recess.  This is not this kids first run in with the recess police, so I kinda know the drill.  They keep telling me all the details of why it wasn't fair and how mad they are.  I see the Principal and he catches my eye and gives me the "We need to talk" look.  I know the look well because I've gotten that look more times in the past 3 years than I care to count.

OK, but then it gets funny.  We're driving home and talking about the whole incident, and we clearly disagree with one another.  I'm really not upset because honestly, I've been through similar scenarios with this kid for what feels like a zillion times.  The radio is on some random channel and the tune suddenly catches my attention.  The song was "My Life" by Billy Joel!  Do you know that song?  If you don't you should definitely look it up.  It was a favorite of mine when I was a kid.  The timing of it was so funny because my kid is basically telling me they know best and nobody else does so just butt out.  And the lyrics of the song go:

"I don't care what you say anymore this is my life.  Go ahead with you're own life, leave me alone"

Hahaha!!  I couldn't help but laugh and turn up the radio and sing.  And when my kiddo heard the lyrics they said, "Yes!! Exactly!  This is exactly what I am saying!"  

It was just hilarious and perfect timing.  It lightened the mood and we needed that, and I don't think it was an accident.  Good one God.

1 year ago today

This morning I read these words out of a devotional called "Streams in the Desert"

"You can trust the Man who died for you." 

The author said he wanted to completely devote himself to the "Man who died for him".  But he was afraid; afraid to give up his own personal plans and goals.  All he could think of was all he might have to abandon in his life.  He said, "I completely failed to see the better things God had for me, so my soul was running from Him."

I can wholeheartedly relate to this.  So often I find my soul running from God.  I want to trust Him and devote myself completely to him, but I am afraid.  I'm afraid to give up comfortable and easy and what I know.  

Then God speaks to the mans heart and says "My child, you can trust the Man who died for you.  If you cannot trust Him, then whom can you trust?"  And there it is, if I cannot trust Jesus, then who can I trust.  I certainly cannot trust myself.  My emotions and feeling are like a swinging pendulum on the largest grandfather clock.  Back and forth, I want to act on every passing feeling.  And sometimes I do and live to regret it.  

After reading this devotion I was flipping through my journal and I read the entry from one year ago today: 

August 1, 2013

I'm exhausted.  I need freedom.  My faith is in money, not in God.  My happiness, when I'm honest, is based on my bank account.  I can't take it anymore.  My peace is in beer, my rest is in sleep.  It's fake. It's temporary.

My heart ached when I read this.  Just reading it made me feel heavy.  But I also felt hopeful.  It has been 1 year since I wrote that.  And I am not that same girl.  I can see the work God has done over the past year.  I recently graduated from Financial Peace University.  We paid off our visa card 2 days ago.  1 year ago that looked impossible to me.  My faith is not in money; at least not as much as it was last year.  My happiness does not lie there either.  It is nice to have money, but I know it isn't what makes me happy. I'm slowly but surely learning to control money instead of having it control me.  Thank you Jesus!!  

As for beer, well, that one is still a struggle.  I don't think I'm an alcoholic.  But when I'm stressed, say at dinner time or homework time or bedtime, pretty much any time the smaller people in my house get a little bent out of shape, my mind wanders off to wanting a beer.  I know I'm not going to feel good after.  Maybe initially because I enjoy the taste and it does mellow me out, but it usually makes me gassy and bloated in the end.  And it's temporary.  And, it's not Jesus.  

So I'm not finished.  I'm still here typing and breathing and living, so God still has something planned for me.  And he knows I am a stubborn woman, and He loves me anyway which is completely mind-blowing.  I mean, I know me and I don't even love me all the time.  

I'll keep going and trying and trusting more everyday.  Because I can look back and see that He is "working for my good" Ephesian 6:28 and "His grace is sufficient, for His power is made perfect in my weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9.  And His grace and His power and His love trump every mistake.  

Here's to another year!

You are here

Lately I've noticed I'm paying a lot of attention to where other people are in life.  I've been envious and wondered why I'm not where some people are.  Or I've been judgemental and wondered why others aren't where I am.

God gave me a picture of a map.  One of those maps you would find in a mall or an airport.  The one's that have a big red star or something of the like with the words "YOU ARE HERE".  And suddenly I got it.  I am here.  I am living my life, not someone else's.  

I am in one part of the mall while others are at a completely different place.  And that's OK.  But I can't get where I'm going if I'm looking at where they are, rather than where I am.

No such thing as normal

I was talking with a dear friend last night.  She was telling about life and it's happenings and she said, "What's wrong with my family?  Why can't we just be normal?"

I laughed and said, "There's no such thing as normal and there's no such thing as a perfect family."

Do you know why there's no such thing as a perfect family?  Because families are made up of people.  Selfish, flawed, imperfect people.  All of whom live in a world full of sin and in need of the grace of God every second of every day.

As for normal, who really wants to be normal?  Dictionary.com defines normal as "conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; regular".  Oh ick!!  Who wants to be any of those?  God is creative!!  Every single person completely unique.  What a boring life this would be if we were all "normal" and the same.

Listen

I encountered God in a whole new way this weekend at the SHE Adventure.  By listening.  It's counter intuitive.  It requires being still.  Not just still in the body, still in the mind.  And getting the mind to be quiet and still is hard!

I had a woman approach me and say, "God has something to say to me and He told me He's going to speak it through you."  I have never had something like this happen.  My heart was pounding out of control!  I was scared to death!  What if I couldn't hear?  What if I said the wrong thing?

"This is what we have to learn right from the beginning: to listen to the voice of God in our heart, and then in the silence of the heart God speaks. Then from the fullness of our hearts, our mouth will have to speak. That is the connection. In the silence of the heart, God speaks and you have to listen. Then in the fullness of your heart, because it is full of God, full of love, full of compassion, full of faith, your mouth will speak." -Mother Teresa

This is what I had been reading the night before.  God was preparing me.  In fact, this is what I heard Him say in some quiet time right before the service where this woman came up to me.

"Be quick to listen and slow to speak.  Listen for what the Lord is telling you."

I listened, He spoke.

Slow down. Listen.

Alone and loving it

I am sitting in my house, by myself, drinking coffee, listening to birds, feeling the breeze and smiling really big.  A while back I would have felt incredibly guilty for enjoying this so much.

I have been a mom for almost 9 years.  Time alone is scarce when you're a mom, unless you're willing to get up at 5 a.m. or stay up until midnight.  But even then the "Mom hat" is on.  Always ready to come to the rescue of a little person.

Today I know the kids are safe with grandparents and for 6 days I can take off my "Mom hat".  I will read books and take walks and just sit without the slightest bit of guilt.  Because I learned in Vivien's Sunday school class this weekend that on the 7th day God rested.  And even thought sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm really working, I am.

Amen and Amen.

Running

Today I was at my Mom-in-law's house and I thought I heard my phone ringing at the other end of the house.  I literally started to run so I could catch the call in time.  Not because I was expecting an important call or anything, just because God forbid I miss a call.  Mid-run I thought to myself, "Why am I running?  What other things have me running unnecessarily?"

I'm quick when I hear my phone ring, but slow when I hear "Mom look at me!"

I'm quick to check Facebook every 5 minutes, but slow to spend even 5 minutes with Jesus.

I'm quick to pick up a donut, but slow to pick up a carrot.

I'm quick to sit on the couch, but slow to hop on my bike.

I'm quick to get angry, but slow to extend patience.

I'm quick to speak, but slow to listen.

I'm quick to feel guilty, but slow to accept grace.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that whatever you're running towards is where you're going to end up.  And if I'm running quickly, I'm bound to get there faster.  I'm going in the wrong direction and I'm looking for the off ramp.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith."

                                        -Hebrews 12:1-2

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one get the prize?  Run in such a way as to get the prize."

                                          -1 Corinthians 9:24

Plagiarizing

There's a problem with reading a lot of good non-fiction books.  I get so engrossed in the story.  These people's lives seem so amazing and dreamy and adventurous.  I start to think, "Maybe my life should look like that."  Here is where the problem lies.

I start resisting my dimensions and long for someone else's.  This simply does not work.  I wasn't made to fit their dimensions.  I was made to fit mine.  Soon chaos surrounds me.  Chaos I've created because I've resisted my place.

Reading other people's stories is wonderful.  So much can be learned and stored and applied.  But if it causes me to plagiarize or just stop writing my own story all together...

I am not the president of World Vision.  I am not a funny woman from Texas fighting excess.  I am not a young 20-something girl living in Uganda.  I am not a physician/activist living in a twelve by twelve in North Carolina.

I'm me.  I like reading and riding bikes.  I love laughing, especially with my husband.  I'm starting to enjoy cooking.  I like taking walks and listening to music and talking about God.  I have an infinite amount of areas that need improvement.  Like being fully present and giving my full attention to the people I'm with.  Sometimes I'm judgmental and sometimes I yell.

To be continued..

How do you start the day?

Facebook has the incredible knack of giving me a feeling of failure sometimes.  I blame Facebook, but really it's in my own mind.  I see what people are up to and start to compare myself to them, leaving me feeling inferior and boring.

This is the problem with looking at Facebook first thing in the morning.  Does anyone else struggle with this?  It's a total addiction, second nature.  It's so easy to roll over, unlock my iPod, and click the FB icon.  Instantly I'm connected, but not really connected all at the same time.  And definitely not connected to my real life-giving source.

Now contrast this with waking up and opening up God's Word.  I am instantly connected with truth, with my lifeline.  The only lifeline that really matters.  I read Luke 15:21-24,

"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'  But the Father said to his servants, 'Quick!  Bring the best robe and put it on him.  Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it.  Let's have a feast and celebrate.  For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'  So they began to celebrate."

And not only does this truth meet me in my Bible.  I open my e-mail and my daily devotional from Proverbs 31 has the exact same Words and truth.  And it says, "When you come to Jesus, or when you allow him to walk through the doors of your heart, no pleading or striving is necessary, only faith that his salvation and grace are your gifts.... He is watching, willing, and waiting to receive you."

God is so Awesome and all-knowing.  He knew that Luke 15 was going to be my reading today, and that the very same verse would be waiting in my e-mail.  He knew that I needed that today to combat those feelings of frustration and the mental battle going on inside of me.  

So how do you start the day?  Looking at others or looking at truth? 

I cannot say that this week of the "Stess/Prayer" challenge was filled with long periods of in depth intentional prayer and kicking up my feet for times of rest.  I can say that I had ample opportunity to call on the Lord for His guidance and His peace.  And when I called, He answered.  

I had the opportunity to drive a wonderful friend to doctor's appointment.  After we got back to her house we were blessed with an incredible and unexpected time of prayer.  It was real and candid and I could feel the Holy Spirit in that place. AWESOME!

On Tuesday afternoon I found myself driving my husband to the ER due to shortness of breath.  While there he had an abnormal EKG.  We had an opportunity to stress out or call on the Lord's peace.  God provided amazing peace and we were blessed to go home that night, with Matt being completely healthy.  

The week did not turn out like I thought it would.  I found myself in quite a few situations where I had to choose between worry or trust.  Where I could choose frustration because things weren't going my way, or choose to believe that God truly does have all my days ordained.

I've got a lot of work to do.  This challenge is going to take longer than a week... longer than a month.  Probably my whole life.

It's mine... MINE! MINE! MINE!

It's been a few days since I've posted about the "stress/prayer" challenge.  There's a reason for that.  I've been failing miserably.  My alarm goes off to get up early... I hit snooze.  When I finally do get up I try to read and pray, but I am easily distracted.  My alarms go off during the day to tell me it's time to stop and pray, but it always seems to happen when I'm right in the middle of something. (Imagine that).   

I'm realizing the root of the problem.  I am selfish!  I should go to bed early so I can get up early.  But when the time comes I think, "But this is MY time.  I haven't had any ME time all day."  When the alarms go off to pray I think, "I can't stop what I'm doing now.  I'm right in the middle of it."  Because making dinner or sending an e-mail is so much more important than stopping to pray for people who don't have a Father or for mother's around the world who are desperate to provide for their children.  Gag me!  

My time does not really belong to me.  It is a gift that I get every day.  It's my job to look to God to know how to use it.  Lord help me!

"God forgive me for thinking too highly of myself

God forgive me for thinking too lowly of myself

God forgive me for thinking of myself so stinkin' much"

-Shane Claiborne