small

Yesterday I walked under the Narrows Bridge for the first time.  I stood on the beach looking up at the two massive metal stuctures and I very much felt my true and actual size.

I am small.

I pretend not to be.  I try to make myself big.  I raise my voice loud to be heard; to seem big and in charge and in control.  I talk too much and too loud.  I wear clothes to be noticed.  I'm big and important in my mind... because I'm the only one there.

I realized I usually experience the bridge from a different perspective; up above.  I drive across it, almost daily, in my very large Suburban.  I look down on the world below and I feel big and untouchable.  But when I give up the big car and change my perspective and get into the low position I see how very small I am.  Towering cliffs and heavy trees and deep waters and giant bridges surround me.  And I am nothing and nothing makes me big and it feels right.

Hugs are not just for 'Goodnight'

Tonight when I gave my daughter a hug goodnight, I realized it was one of 2 times I had given her a hug all day long.  The other time was when she woke up... at least I think I gave her a hug when she woke up.  There was a twinge of pain in my heart.

Then I flashed to how many times my hands had touched a dish to wash or a rag to clean something today.  Too many times to count.  It's just sad.

My kids are 4,7, and almost 10.  4,7, and almost 10 happened over night.  And in 10 years they will be 14,17, and almost 20, and I'm guessing it will happen over night.  So I won't browse Pinterest or Houzz or any other thing to make my home pretty or cute.  I'll choose to leave dishes in the sink and dried milk stuck to the table.  I'll feel glad when my girls fight about who gets to sit next to me at the table.  Because pretty soon I'll be the one following my kids around wishing they had enough time for me.

Because hugs are not just for 'Goodnight'.  They are for all day long and they're more important than a tidy house.



P.S. I'm pretty sure I've written a dozen blogs with this same message.  I guess this is one of those lessons I have to learn over and over.

I will stand alone

I have a confession...

I spend a lot of time judging you, comparing myself to you, criticizing you and the way you do things, gossiping about you.

I have an apology...

I'm sorry for judging you.
I'm sorry for comparing us.
I'm sorry for criticizing you and the way you do things.
I'm sorry for gossiping about you.

I'm so so sorry!

You are a child of God.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made.  You are created in His image.

And when I stand before God I have no idea what it will be like or what He will say.  I know He will not ask me my opinion of you or what I think of the decisions you made.

I will stand alone.  And I imagine He will ask me what I did to love you, what I did to serve you, what  I did to care for you.

 “Then the king will answer, ‘The truth is, anything you did for any of my people here, you also did for me.’- Matthew 25:40

It's bragging

I've been off Facebook for 7 or 8 months.  I get too addicted to it.  Addicted to seeing what people are up to; snooping around on peoples profiles.  Addicted to the little red notification number telling me someone "liked" or commented on my post.  The other reason I deactivated my account is because I find myself thinking extremely judgemental thoughts toward people.  I once heard someone say, "when you compare yourself to someones Facebook post you're comparing your 'behind the scenes' to their 'highlights'."

Nobody posts a picture of themselves with their besties with a caption that says "So blessed to have the most AMAZING friends in the world!", with the intent to make me feel like crap.  But if I'm feeling lonely and isolated that day, that's exactly what it does.

Just like when I post a status that says, "My husband is the best!!  I came home to a clean house, a beautiful bouquet of tulips, and my favorite dinner.", I don't mean to make anyone else feel bad.  But if you and your hubby are going through a rough season, and you just got into a massive fight before reading my status, I'm guessing it might make you feel pretty bad.

The thing is, saying these things is not bad.  It's good!  But does it really need to be said for all of Facebook to see?  What is the purpose of that?  Wouldn't it be just as effective, if not more, to send your "besties" a card or a letter telling them how amazing you think they are?  And couldn't I just tell my husband to his face how much I appreciate him?

When we do this over social media it's bragging.  I'm sure this is never anybodies intent.  But that's exactly what it is.  I promise I am not casting stones.  I have been the 'Facebook Bragger' more times than I care to admit.  Any one of my friends could tell you that.  It's just not right.

I'm not saying all status updates are bragging, but so many are.  We were not created to blurt out every thought that comes into our mind.  People do not need to know about every good thing we are doing or everything going on in our lives.

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men to be seen by them.  If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.  Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret.  Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.  For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."  Matthew 6:1,3,4; 23:12

Lies

We recently bought a house and moved.  We still own our other house and are working to turn it into a rental property.  But until it is ready to rent we have 2 mortgages.  Needless to say, this causes the budget to be a little tight.  So guess what?  I haven't been tithing.  I haven't been giving our usual "10%".

I don't write this to justify why I'm not tithing right now.  I write it because every time I don't tithe I feel guilt, not conviction, guilt.  Like something bad is going to happen if I don't give a certain amount of money for a few months.  Guilt; because I'm not tithing right now we're never going to get someone to rent our house.

And then something bad does happen.  A strong gas smell comes from our oven every time I turn it on. So bad I have to open the doors and windows.  And this morning the burners won't light.  And my first thought is, "this wouldn't have happened if you would have been tithing."

Do you know what this is?  LIES!!!

God does not work that way!  He does not guilt me into obedience.  He does not shame me when I'm down.

The devil on the other hand does.  He loves to play the guilt card and he knows exactly when to use it.  Always when I'm already down; he throws in another punch to beat me further down.

LIES!!!

I choose not to believe the lies today.  Crappy stuff happens.  Ovens break, things get lost, money gets tight.  This is not God's punishment on me.  Rather it is an opportunity to grow my faith and to see God at work.

" Do not worry about tomorrow.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own.  There is no condemnation in Christ!  He works for my good because I love Him."

You are here

Lately I've noticed I'm paying a lot of attention to where other people are in life.  I've been envious and wondered why I'm not where some people are.  Or I've been judgemental and wondered why others aren't where I am.

God gave me a picture of a map.  One of those maps you would find in a mall or an airport.  The one's that have a big red star or something of the like with the words "YOU ARE HERE".  And suddenly I got it.  I am here.  I am living my life, not someone else's.  

I am in one part of the mall while others are at a completely different place.  And that's OK.  But I can't get where I'm going if I'm looking at where they are, rather than where I am.

Life is a mess

Today as I was getting ready for the day my 4 year old daughter made a mess of clothes and blankets in my closet.  I snapped at her and said, "I'm sick and tired of cleaning up messes you make."  She ran out of the closet, feelings hurt.  Immediately I was convicted and heard the Lord say, "How many times have I had to clean up your messes." Truth.

I apologized and asked my daughters forgiveness.  I thought about how life is messy and probably always will be... until the day I die.  Real life does not look like a Potter Barn magazine page.  It's full of activity and movement and mess  and action.  And if it were any other way I'd be bored out of my mind.  

Thank you Jesus for the mess of life and that you are always right there beside me.