Friday, August 1, 2014

1 year ago today

This morning I read these words out of a devotional called "Streams in the Desert"

"You can trust the Man who died for you." 

The author said he wanted to completely devote himself to the "Man who died for him".  But he was afraid; afraid to give up his own personal plans and goals.  All he could think of was all he might have to abandon in his life.  He said, "I completely failed to see the better things God had for me, so my soul was running from Him."

I can wholeheartedly relate to this.  So often I find my soul running from God.  I want to trust Him and devote myself completely to him, but I am afraid.  I'm afraid to give up comfortable and easy and what I know.  

Then God speaks to the mans heart and says "My child, you can trust the Man who died for you.  If you cannot trust Him, then whom can you trust?"  And there it is, if I cannot trust Jesus, then who can I trust.  I certainly cannot trust myself.  My emotions and feeling are like a swinging pendulum on the largest grandfather clock.  Back and forth, I want to act on every passing feeling.  And sometimes I do and live to regret it.  

After reading this devotion I was flipping through my journal and I read the entry from one year ago today: 

August 1, 2013

I'm exhausted.  I need freedom.  My faith is in money, not in God.  My happiness, when I'm honest, is based on my bank account.  I can't take it anymore.  My peace is in beer, my rest is in sleep.  It's fake. It's temporary.

My heart ached when I read this.  Just reading it made me feel heavy.  But I also felt hopeful.  It has been 1 year since I wrote that.  And I am not that same girl.  I can see the work God has done over the past year.  I recently graduated from Financial Peace University.  We paid off our visa card 2 days ago.  1 year ago that looked impossible to me.  My faith is not in money; at least not as much as it was last year.  My happiness does not lie there either.  It is nice to have money, but I know it isn't what makes me happy. I'm slowly but surely learning to control money instead of having it control me.  Thank you Jesus!!  

As for beer, well, that one is still a struggle.  I don't think I'm an alcoholic.  But when I'm stressed, say at dinner time or homework time or bedtime, pretty much any time the smaller people in my house get a little bent out of shape, my mind wanders off to wanting a beer.  I know I'm not going to feel good after.  Maybe initially because I enjoy the taste and it does mellow me out, but it usually makes me gassy and bloated in the end.  And it's temporary.  And, it's not Jesus.  

So I'm not finished.  I'm still here typing and breathing and living, so God still has something planned for me.  And he knows I am a stubborn woman, and He loves me anyway which is completely mind-blowing.  I mean, I know me and I don't even love me all the time.  

I'll keep going and trying and trusting more everyday.  Because I can look back and see that He is "working for my good" Ephesian 6:28 and "His grace is sufficient, for His power is made perfect in my weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9.  And His grace and His power and His love trump every mistake.  

Here's to another year!